growing up

I find it peculiar how my interests change from day to day. On Sunday, I dream of a sunny house in East Hampton; on Monday, I see myself as the next Oprah; and on Tuesday all I'm worried about is getting a nap. Wednesday I'd like to go home and do nothing for several months, if possible.

I've been trying to feel out my personality for a while now, and the more I think about it, the less sure I am of who I am. Other people seem to know me better than I know myself - how is that fair at all? This is my life, shouldn't I know what I'm doing with it?

Apparently not.

So, I'm wondering if this is what growing up feels like. Is it always so tentative? How do I know I won't turn out to be someone awful? I don't want to be like I am now forever. I'm not even sure I would be friends with me if I was someone else. I see classy older women like Maggie Smith and Vanessa Redgrave in glossy magazines and wonder if I can ever be so statuesque. How do I make myself more like the kind of person I like being around?

The worst part of it is that it sounds like a lot of work. Am I even this heavily invested in who I'm becoming? And people seem to like me now, so do I need to change at all? Am I contemplating my personality because I'm not happy with it or because I'm worried about what other people think of me?

A lot of rhetorical questions, sure. But these kinds of things have been rattling around my brain lately, and I'm just trying to figure my life out one step at a time. There's probably some ridiculously profound saying laying around somewhere about how growing up is about becoming self-aware and self-sufficient and all of that, and it makes sense, but for now, I'm just looking for a place to start.