Christmas Time Is Here

If ever there was a time of year to revert to childhood, this wintry season would be my first choice. Something about fresh snowfall, the crisp cool air, and Christmas lights twinkling everywhere gets me feeling like I'm a kid again.

Exhibit A: I went downtown to an exhibition of Christmas lights the other night, and I couldn't help but dance around like a kid in the snow, "oooh" and "aaaah" at the pretty lights, and sing carols at the top of my lungs. There's just something about the spirit of giving that gets me going.

As I blink back the intense sun beams reflected by drifts of newly fallen snow, skip through drifts and brush snowflakes off my mittens, I can't help but think of going home and getting warm by the fire (if I had one) and spending quality time cozied up inside with family (if I was with them). For now, though, I'll settle for a child-like wonder for how exactly snowflakes fall quite so beautifully.

growing up

I find it peculiar how my interests change from day to day. On Sunday, I dream of a sunny house in East Hampton; on Monday, I see myself as the next Oprah; and on Tuesday all I'm worried about is getting a nap. Wednesday I'd like to go home and do nothing for several months, if possible.

I've been trying to feel out my personality for a while now, and the more I think about it, the less sure I am of who I am. Other people seem to know me better than I know myself - how is that fair at all? This is my life, shouldn't I know what I'm doing with it?

Apparently not.

So, I'm wondering if this is what growing up feels like. Is it always so tentative? How do I know I won't turn out to be someone awful? I don't want to be like I am now forever. I'm not even sure I would be friends with me if I was someone else. I see classy older women like Maggie Smith and Vanessa Redgrave in glossy magazines and wonder if I can ever be so statuesque. How do I make myself more like the kind of person I like being around?

The worst part of it is that it sounds like a lot of work. Am I even this heavily invested in who I'm becoming? And people seem to like me now, so do I need to change at all? Am I contemplating my personality because I'm not happy with it or because I'm worried about what other people think of me?

A lot of rhetorical questions, sure. But these kinds of things have been rattling around my brain lately, and I'm just trying to figure my life out one step at a time. There's probably some ridiculously profound saying laying around somewhere about how growing up is about becoming self-aware and self-sufficient and all of that, and it makes sense, but for now, I'm just looking for a place to start.